rejection

So many people claim they they don't give a flying fuck what people think of them, and for many of them this may be true.. but then there are those people that tremble in the fear of rejection, the ones that try so hard to live up to a status  that they never let their true selves become released.  My stance is right there straddling the fence, hence why i say I'm the man behind the mask. (now time for me to lay on the crazy Dr couch, haha. i always knew i wasn't the coolest, most popular kid, never wore the newest fashion of clothes, wasn't in the "in crowd" and damn sure wasn't the best looking.. hell the only things i had going was i was pretty damn smart (which didn't impress the ladies) and i had the most drop dead gorgeous set of eyes a boy could have (which got me picked on by jealous boys bc frankly my eyelashes were so long and thick that it did look like i wore mascara).. but basically i was just a sub-par boy just dreaming of being cool..
          Well having not ever have talked to many girls, much less have anything to do with romance with them, I finally was gonna cowboy up and approach a girl.. it was in the 8th grade standing in the hall outside of Ga History class, i set my eyes on her, she was one of the pretty, wealthy, popular, cheerleader girls, (looking back i may have reached a little far for my first attempt, but hey, go big or go home right?!?!?) Well I walked up and stuttered out a "hey, I think you're really pretty and would like to take you on a date if you would like".. Well to my horror there was a quiet pause, then a LOUD burst of uncontrollable laughter.. seriously WTF??? a simple thanks but no thanks would have sufficed. so to Katie Dupree i shout out a big FUCK YOU!!!!!!! Well needless to say this shell shocked me way before i was of age and maturity to not give a damn.. so i sunk myself into a shell that was thicker than stone.. so ever since then i have been so shy that yes maybe i have missed tons of opportunities to be with women that thought that i was worth at least a first date, but i have the hardest time approaching a female that i think is attractive and uttering a simple sentence. when in a group I'm usually the one who is close to the corner and only speaks when spoken to. Ive been a loner, isolationist, hermit, whatever you would like to call it but I have lived in such fear of rejection that i hide who i really wish to be so that i don't stand out from the average joe..
     I have however in the past few yrs came into a group of friends that have allowed me an outlet to unleash who i am. For 7 nights a yr i am allowed to hide behind a mask and do whatever i want with no fear of rejection bc even if i was frowned upon nobody knows it me so how could it matter?? now saying that, when i remove this mask i find myself slipping back into old habits and shying away from fitting in. but hey, everybody has to start somewhere. so i feel that as i work on releasing my inner spirit that i will overcome the demons that bring the fear of rejection into my brain, and finally be able to to be who i was truly meant to be